There comes a time when life just hits you – slap bang in your face with a sledgehammer. And it hurts, that hard hard hit bloody well hurts. It hurts real bad.
In September, my Dhaddy (paternal Grandma) passed on to a better, lighter and brighter place. My family and I were lucky enough to have spent her last days with her, sharing stories, making promises and fulfilling her last wishes. Of course, I cried and was devastated. But, it’s not until now that it’s really hit me. And truly, that hard hard hit bloody well hurts.
I’ve only allowed myself to write on this now because I have been consciously trying to repress my memories and my thoughts about what’s happened. But, I can’t hold it in any longer. A lovely lady I work with told me that it will hit me and it might not be right away but it might be in a few months or even a year or so…
When I was 11 my Nana (maternal Grandad) passed on and I was immediately distraught and it hit me straight away. I think this was because I used to see him everyday and it directly impacted everything I knew. And I was young pretty little thang.
As I grew older and went to uni and started working, I didn’t see my Dhaddy everyday. That’s why I think it has taken longer to register, because my day-to-day life wasn’t impacted so harshly. I’ve been so busy with work, it’s been easier to push my emotions to the back of my mind because I have several hundred things to do at work and in life. There is so much going on in London and as I’ve just moved here it was (still is) easier to distract myself. But, I miss her. Her laugh, her kisses and her sheer love and vibrancy. Her ability to shake the room with laughter.
I’m not sure what to do now, because it’s broke me and I have officially started my grieving process. It’s just been delayed. I’ve delayed it. I’m a control freak. I can’t deal with things I don’t want to deal with but I’ve felt it brimming to a boil the last week or so (is brimming even a word?)
I miss my Dhaddy and, besides my family, I’m surprised by those who are and are not there for me (bar a few who I know I can count on). I think this is her way of shining light on the one’s who shine in my life – and now I see too. Now, I see.